News Ticker # 2 (this stuff is fake and a joke)

(This is fake and a joke) News Ticker --- "Taking ecstacies is a Neccesity", claims ninety-year-old woman ---News Ticker--- Tree stuck in cat, firefighters baffled --- News Ticker --- If Gary Coleman is reading this, then he can go screw a sweaty sock ---News Ticker--- Scientists claim that if you throw a rock, it will hit a senior citizen --- News Ticker --- "Peanut butter makes me secrete", claims eight-year-old little boy ---News Ticker--- Stocks go down in local diet pill company due to their sales pitch in Ethiopia --- News Ticker --- Earlier this morning, Micheal Jackson was accused of melesting local youth group. No charges were made as long as Micheal Jackson agreed to videotape it ---News Ticker--- This just in... every last country singer has died --- News Ticker --- Motorcyclist was murdered this morning, no suspects yet but weapon was said to be heavy sarcasm ---News Ticker--- A wide-spread Cat Nip shortage has left many cats "sweating in their own jelly" ---News Ticker--- Man sues local zoo. He claims that a fece came out of nowhere and hit him in the anus, and is now blinded for life ---News Ticker--- A new side-effect has been discovered for Tylenol. This side-effect is explosive diahrea with a smell of "death", but Lysol had already copyrighted that scent and sued the too-tight pants off of Tylenol companies ---News Ticker--- "fire marshall states school in new york no longer safe for children for the reason that the school is "critically infested" with a non dormant form of asbestos" one of the worse turns for the area this year. one of the school building associats, Jupitar Pharynx, head of the south wall contruction group stated this when asked, "we didnt know what we were doing, we just thought asbestos sounded like a cool word. I in particually could appreciate this word because it reminded me of my moms famous tuna salad tacos. Those always made me drool."" ---News Ticker--- ""Painkiller factory in new jersey shut down after being inspected by smokey the fire safty bear, who claimed the pills being made there were "gruellingly more painful than sepositories by far, and surly not killing any pain, more like causing it." ---News Ticker--- "Lousisiana recyclables has halted its services throughout the state due to laziness and lack of operating recycle trucks. Some also suspect worker hire rates are at a steep downward drop due to lack of exciting experiances during work shifts. In other words the job is boring as hell. Way to go on adding to the mass pollution, louisiana recyclables, way to go."---News Ticker--- "This just in, your mother likes me more than she likes you."---News Ticker--- "Alabama exploded..." ---News Ticker--- "Pencil sharpener company sued for making pencils too sharp." ---News Ticker--- "Enraged dentists riot over higher toothpaste costs." ---News Ticker--- "World shrinks because of drought in Asia (Most likely caused by Ben Lin). ---News Ticker--- "Fat people fall harder," states lyposucktion doctor, Sammuel Rolls. ---News Ticker--- "4 year old boy manages to swallow an entire pinesol spraycan. Doctors cant understand how he survived, mystery remains to be solved. The only clue to his having swallowed the can is a slightly obvious bulge in his bladder area." ---News Ticker--- "Lighning bolt ricochets off of boy's plastic helmet during a football game in minnasota and destroyed a nearby watercooler. Boy not injured but slightly shaken by this horrifying experiance." ---News Ticker---Lard company states the arrival of a new kind of butter with 18% more fat for your slobbering satisfaction." ---News Ticker--- Insurance agent apparently "turned to the dark side" on monday when she suposedly sacrificed her three kittens into her home's fireplace to satan." ---News Ticker--- Catholic women in chicago begin Poo Gas clinic, after coming to the conclustion that the virtue fortitude was accually fartitiude." (People these days!). ---News Ticker--- The Coa-Coa Puffs trademark bird has literally gone "koo koo for coa-coa puffs" He killed 17 people in a hunt for coa-coa puffs, and when he was found, he was eating intestines out of a skull that he used as a bowl and chanted "I'm Ka Ka for Koo Koo Puffs!!" He was horribly soiled in his own feces --- Local marketplace caught on fire and ended up burning down the entire city due to poor firefighting. When one fireman was interviewed, he stuck his hand in his underwear and stated, "Me got poopoo." ...Indeed a sad story. --- News Ticker ---