News Ticker # 1 (this stuff is fake and a joke)

(This is fake and a joke) --- News Ticker --- Catholic High School of Baton Rouge recieved a phoned-in threat yesterday afternoon. The unknown caller threatened to plant a supermassive timebomb in the school that would send everyone in a 0.5 mile radius to the Mid-Precambrian Era. So far no bomb has gone off, but several students were reported missing. Investigators did find a clue to their where-abouts. 'It was a huge burning tumor the size of my house' one eye-witness student claimed. It appeared out of nowhere on top of the school's left wing at the same time of the mysterious dissapearances. So far, investigators are severely confused and no progress has been made in the investigation. Local psychic claims that this 'burning tumor' is the Anti-Christ who has come to kill us all. Others speculate that Barney (dinosaur character on the pre-school show, Barney's Playhouse) is behind the entire scheme. Just the mere confusion has left some people soiled in their own feces, while others run around shouting, "Deficate". --- News Ticker --- In other news, Anna Nicole Smith has died . . . oh well, no loss for anyone. If you want to see more information about Anna Nicole Smith's death, go to youneedtokillyourself.com --- News Ticker --- This just in, on the set of Reno: 911, a rift in time has caused much of the Reno County to be suspended in a frozen state of animation. We have an interview with a man cought in the event with only the lower half of his body exposed to the perplexing stillness. Whenever asked a question he only responds by shouting "Sot, Sot, Sot" at an extremely loud volume. An eyewitness to the event claims that her cousin was ejaculating in the next room and was affected by the rift while she was spared. She was horrified and recalls not tasting for a week before the event. --- News Ticker --- If everyone stopped to smell the roses, we wouldn't have enough time to say hello to the rest of the world. :) ---