The Life And Times Of Our Very Own Asian

Ben.... the only asian at our school. We love him to death. How can u not? Hes clumsy and senseless sometimes, oh yes. How can u not love a good ole' clumsy person. Anyway I'm here today to inform you of this young boy, who has changed our lives for the better here in our little friend group. I would like to share some very special instances in which we have enjoyed the company of our very own asian friend who we so very much love to tease and pick. So were sitting in English class. Good old Ben is sitting next to me and we strike up a conversation we had had earlier with the rest of the guys. See the sad thing about ben is that he is above rediculously trusting of people. He believes anything we say and that is our favorite thing to take advantage of. So today we convince him that humans have two hearts. YEP you heard me. And you know waht i love about tellling him this stuff? Its all worth it for this- He looks at me with his big ole eyes and says, "REALLY?!!" His jaw dropped and all, you can see the sweat from exitement, the twitch of the eye, the other spasmic bodily convulsions, the thick stewn saliva dripping down the corner of his mouth, paralyzed, Ben stares. Then he asks deeply interested..."What is the second heart for?" Then I clear my throat and explain that one heart is on top and one is on the bottom, one controlling the top half and the other the bottom. At first he seemed to accept this, but then miraculously and without warning he outbursted, "na-aaah!!" And i said, "Oh yes, yes, my friend, ask the others." By this time I had spread the word through the class to inform him that humans did indeed have two hearts adn he was quickly shot down as the others nodded in agreement with me. He spun around helplessly looking from face to face for some comfort but none came. He franticly asked around and all shook there heads at his helplessness. Finally he sat down and hung his head in defeat. Days later we broke the truth to him. His reaction couldn't have been more predictable, "I knew it!" he says with a huge ear to ear grin of self confidence that really shouldn't have been there. My next story comes weeks later, the time inbetween filled with numerous acts of bens senselessness, better know by me as the ben boo boos. This story takes place one recess when i betted my other friends I could get ben to belive that there are these giant lollipops (and i made this huge round like two foot diameter shape) that are called whimsicles. Now whimsicle was one of our earlier vocabulary words which means crazy or something. There really are big lollipops that are round no where that big though and I made that extremely clear, still he responds "Yea, dude like those micky mouse ones from disney world!" I swear I almost wet my pants. Come on. That was the farthest type of lolipop from my mind. Anything but that would have been closer. Those disney ones are really small and why of all things would he have thought of that? Yea, well, he still believes that one. The same recess I came up with a second more high class, thought out prank. Dolphin milk. Yes, I know. So I start a causal conversation and then suddenly ask, "Ben have you by any strange chance tried dolphin milk?" "No" was the answer. I said "Well Ben, people really do drink dolphin milk." And he says, "Wow." Yea, here comes the best part. You know the famous football player, Dan Marino who played for the Dolphins? He has no idea he was a famous football player or anything. I say"Yea and Dan Marino, he invented Dolphin Milk." Okay. First of all its rediculous enough he believes people really do commonly drink dolphin milk, but now im getting him to believe a famous football player came up with this. The best part though is, how are you going to go and invent dolphin milk?! Dolphins make dolphin milk right? Hopefully. And so hes like, "Wow, Cool!" You no like those little kids say: "Neato guys, Neato!"

The Yeti

Physical evidence of yeti also exists. Tibetan monks had long claimed to possess the hand of the yeti creature. In 1959, a Westerner named Peter Byrne sought to analyze the hand. After a little persuasion, the monks agreed to let Peter examine the hand in private. Peter, apparently a not-so-honest kind of guy, stole a finger and thumb off of the hand. In it's place, he stitched a human finger and thumb that he snuck into the complex. The yeti parts were smuggled into India. From there, the famous film actor, James Stewart, and his wife Gloria, wrapped the parts in underwear and buried them deep in their suitcases. The yeti souvenirs made it across the remaining borders and into England in a suitcase. The British primatologists W.C.Osman Hill, analyzed the parts and at first declared them human. Later he changed his analysis and reported that they were probably from a Neanderthal. Zoologist Charles A. Leone and anthropologist George Agogino then took their turn in examining the ill-obtained specimens and stated that they were from a human hand with very primitive characteristics. Blood tests obtained from the skin of the finger, indicated that the parts were neither human nor primitive. Fecal droppings were also obtained during the 1959 expedition. When examined in the laboratory, they were shocked to discover an unknown parasite. They deduced that since the parasite was previously unknown, the hosts that the fecal droppings came from would therefore also be 'unknown'. Large prehistoric ape fossils were soon discovered in the Himalayan foothills giving rise to the theory that the strange creature must be some sort of unknown ape. Some speculated that the creature may have evolved from one of these prehistoric apes. Is this baby making info or what?

News Ticker # 1 (this stuff is fake and a joke)

(This is fake and a joke) --- News Ticker --- Catholic High School of Baton Rouge recieved a phoned-in threat yesterday afternoon. The unknown caller threatened to plant a supermassive timebomb in the school that would send everyone in a 0.5 mile radius to the Mid-Precambrian Era. So far no bomb has gone off, but several students were reported missing. Investigators did find a clue to their where-abouts. 'It was a huge burning tumor the size of my house' one eye-witness student claimed. It appeared out of nowhere on top of the school's left wing at the same time of the mysterious dissapearances. So far, investigators are severely confused and no progress has been made in the investigation. Local psychic claims that this 'burning tumor' is the Anti-Christ who has come to kill us all. Others speculate that Barney (dinosaur character on the pre-school show, Barney's Playhouse) is behind the entire scheme. Just the mere confusion has left some people soiled in their own feces, while others run around shouting, "Deficate". --- News Ticker --- In other news, Anna Nicole Smith has died . . . oh well, no loss for anyone. If you want to see more information about Anna Nicole Smith's death, go to youneedtokillyourself.com --- News Ticker --- This just in, on the set of Reno: 911, a rift in time has caused much of the Reno County to be suspended in a frozen state of animation. We have an interview with a man cought in the event with only the lower half of his body exposed to the perplexing stillness. Whenever asked a question he only responds by shouting "Sot, Sot, Sot" at an extremely loud volume. An eyewitness to the event claims that her cousin was ejaculating in the next room and was affected by the rift while she was spared. She was horrified and recalls not tasting for a week before the event. --- News Ticker --- If everyone stopped to smell the roses, we wouldn't have enough time to say hello to the rest of the world. :) ---

News Ticker # 2 (this stuff is fake and a joke)

(This is fake and a joke) News Ticker --- "Taking ecstacies is a Neccesity", claims ninety-year-old woman ---News Ticker--- Tree stuck in cat, firefighters baffled --- News Ticker --- If Gary Coleman is reading this, then he can go screw a sweaty sock ---News Ticker--- Scientists claim that if you throw a rock, it will hit a senior citizen --- News Ticker --- "Peanut butter makes me secrete", claims eight-year-old little boy ---News Ticker--- Stocks go down in local diet pill company due to their sales pitch in Ethiopia --- News Ticker --- Earlier this morning, Micheal Jackson was accused of melesting local youth group. No charges were made as long as Micheal Jackson agreed to videotape it ---News Ticker--- This just in... every last country singer has died --- News Ticker --- Motorcyclist was murdered this morning, no suspects yet but weapon was said to be heavy sarcasm ---News Ticker--- A wide-spread Cat Nip shortage has left many cats "sweating in their own jelly" ---News Ticker--- Man sues local zoo. He claims that a fece came out of nowhere and hit him in the anus, and is now blinded for life ---News Ticker--- A new side-effect has been discovered for Tylenol. This side-effect is explosive diahrea with a smell of "death", but Lysol had already copyrighted that scent and sued the too-tight pants off of Tylenol companies ---News Ticker--- "fire marshall states school in new york no longer safe for children for the reason that the school is "critically infested" with a non dormant form of asbestos" one of the worse turns for the area this year. one of the school building associats, Jupitar Pharynx, head of the south wall contruction group stated this when asked, "we didnt know what we were doing, we just thought asbestos sounded like a cool word. I in particually could appreciate this word because it reminded me of my moms famous tuna salad tacos. Those always made me drool."" ---News Ticker--- ""Painkiller factory in new jersey shut down after being inspected by smokey the fire safty bear, who claimed the pills being made there were "gruellingly more painful than sepositories by far, and surly not killing any pain, more like causing it." ---News Ticker--- "Lousisiana recyclables has halted its services throughout the state due to laziness and lack of operating recycle trucks. Some also suspect worker hire rates are at a steep downward drop due to lack of exciting experiances during work shifts. In other words the job is boring as hell. Way to go on adding to the mass pollution, louisiana recyclables, way to go."---News Ticker--- "This just in, your mother likes me more than she likes you."---News Ticker--- "Alabama exploded..." ---News Ticker--- "Pencil sharpener company sued for making pencils too sharp." ---News Ticker--- "Enraged dentists riot over higher toothpaste costs." ---News Ticker--- "World shrinks because of drought in Asia (Most likely caused by Ben Lin). ---News Ticker--- "Fat people fall harder," states lyposucktion doctor, Sammuel Rolls. ---News Ticker--- "4 year old boy manages to swallow an entire pinesol spraycan. Doctors cant understand how he survived, mystery remains to be solved. The only clue to his having swallowed the can is a slightly obvious bulge in his bladder area." ---News Ticker--- "Lighning bolt ricochets off of boy's plastic helmet during a football game in minnasota and destroyed a nearby watercooler. Boy not injured but slightly shaken by this horrifying experiance." ---News Ticker---Lard company states the arrival of a new kind of butter with 18% more fat for your slobbering satisfaction." ---News Ticker--- Insurance agent apparently "turned to the dark side" on monday when she suposedly sacrificed her three kittens into her home's fireplace to satan." ---News Ticker--- Catholic women in chicago begin Poo Gas clinic, after coming to the conclustion that the virtue fortitude was accually fartitiude." (People these days!). ---News Ticker--- The Coa-Coa Puffs trademark bird has literally gone "koo koo for coa-coa puffs" He killed 17 people in a hunt for coa-coa puffs, and when he was found, he was eating intestines out of a skull that he used as a bowl and chanted "I'm Ka Ka for Koo Koo Puffs!!" He was horribly soiled in his own feces --- Local marketplace caught on fire and ended up burning down the entire city due to poor firefighting. When one fireman was interviewed, he stuck his hand in his underwear and stated, "Me got poopoo." ...Indeed a sad story. --- News Ticker ---